Thursday, March 27, 2014

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles First Trailer Breakdown

The first trailer of the Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just dropped and I'm well... I honestly don't know what to think about it. I keep telling myself to keep an open mind about things, and not lose my cool over stuff that ultimately I have no control over, and I know it's just a teaser, but it feels like they've changed so much to the point it's not even identifiable as TMNT. The trailer alludes to the mythology of how the turtles came to be as an experiment, not an accident, and was contributed to by both April O'Neil (Megan Fox)'s father and the Shredder (William Fichtner). You got that? Shredder is one of the pilots from Armageddon. He's the evil prison guard captain from The Longest Yard. He's the guy who adopted and abandoned Jimmy MacElroy in Blades of Glory. Bill Fichtner is a fine actor, but was Ken Watanabe busy that day? Also, the Turtles are friggin' huge! They're tall, they're beefy, basically completely Bay-ified. And they're super ugly too! I know they wanna go in a different direction but this feels like an off-ramp to another dimension. Anyway, the action moves super fast in this trailer so let's examine it a little more closely and see how well I can keep my cool.

The trailer starts with narration by the Shredder talking about how crime, violence, and fear are destroying New York. Yeah, that really could be any day in New York come to think of it. But it's not everyday a TV antennae falls off the top of a building right?

"People want heroes Miss O'Neil." No, actually people want to be entertained by good movies.

THIS GUY is not having a good day.

Whenever crap goes down, the first human instinct isn't to run away. It's to film it. Well April IS a reporter and this is her job right?

Leonardo doing his best Batman impression.

"Heroes are not born. They're created." T.C.R.I. or Techno Cosmic Research Institute is responsible for the mutagen that turns the turtles into the mutants we know.

Donatello does machines! Donny has this contraption on his back. God only knows what it does as he's in the middle of a fast and furious fight.

William Fichtner, meet the Shredder, or at least the armor. If anything, I'm curious as to what the explanation for this is.

"That's what your father & I were trying to do. Create heroes." The most puzzling of statements which links April, the Shredder, & the Turtles in a way that bends the mythology over a table.

Donatello and Raphael sliding down a snowy mountain at high speed. I have done this and it's just as terrifying as it looks.

Raph gets tossed into a jeep, pretty much leveling it.

You know those heroes they were trying to create? Well they are frickin' huge. And pissed off looking. And not teenage looking in any way.

Michaelangelo, the party dude tries to calm down April by taking off the mask to reveal...

...something that looks like Voldemort, King Kong Bundy, & Shrek had a love child. Holy crap, put the mask back on!

Everything about this trailer has me completely non-excited for this movie. And for me, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is one of my favorite franchises.

The Turtles are part of my holy trinity of the 80's with the other two being Transformers & Ghostbusters. (Michael Bay, please stay away from Ghostbusters.) I collected the figures and comics, watched the cartoon, I had the movies on VHS, hell I even played the role-playing game. This trailer completely lacks the spirit I remember growing up. I know it's only a trailer, and it's unfair to judge something on just 60+ seconds of footage, but as it stands, I'll stick with the Turtles I know anytime.

Cowabunga dudes! What did you think of the trailer? Did you enjoy it? Or are you craving the original 1990 movie which just so happens to be on youtube right now? 

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